I've been thinking a bit more about the idea of trials and how that directly relates to this opportunity to go to Kenya and help others. I doubt the average person out there makes an immediate connection between an opportunity to travel across the world and an overwhelming trial. Yet from the very first time I heard an announcement about the trip, while I felt a definite pull on my heart to find out more, I almost immediately dismissed it as mission impossible. First of all, I had no idea that Brian would have any desire to go. It also seemed extremely unlikely that I would be able to get the time off of work. Finally, and perhaps most significantly, I didn't have any idea of how we could pull it off financially without plunging ourselves into debt. It seemed much easier to dismiss the whole thing as impossible and move on. "Some other time," I told myself, "when it will be easier to get the time away; when there is a plan to pay for it all. When the planets are all perfectly aligned."
Well, imagine my shock/delight/surprise when Brian approached me to tell me he wanted to learn more about the trip. Objection #1: gone. OK, I thought: I'll ask for the time off, but I don't think I'll get it. If I get the time off, I'll take it as a sign that we're really supposed to go. But I don't think I will. I just don't think so. Which just goes to show how little I know; with what seemed like a minor miracle, the vacation request was granted and my second objection flew out the window.
While I definitely felt that God was telling me clearly that the time to go was NOW, it brought into sharper focus my feelings about the financial impossibility of the trip. A mission like this represents a pretty significant financial commitment, and one that I didn't think we had any business making with Brian in school full time. It was then that Brian, friends and others on the team explained that if we couldn't do it alone, there would be opportunities to fund raise and gather support from the church and others. This seemed like a logical and benign explanation to my troubling question. What it was actually was a setup for the toughest trial yet: writing my support letter.
Having never been on a missions trip before, and having only ever received one support letter in my lifetime up to this point, I have to admit I didn't really get it. I didn't like the idea of writing to all my friends and family to ask for money to go on a trip that I couldn't afford to pay for myself. I dragged my feet as long a possible before realizing that it was just another trial to face along the journey; I needed to swallow my pride and just do it. What followed was some intense time of soul searching and fellowship with my Creator. I really wanted to convey in that letter not only what an awesome cause this is, but the specific reasons that I felt called to participate in it at this time in my life. And it totally changed my outlook on the whole process. It didn't feel like asking for money anymore; it felt like sharing my heart and my journey with all the people who are important to me. I sent those letters out with a sense of excitement at being able to share myself with my friends, and a sense of peace knowing that some would give and some would not, but that ultimately God was in control of it all anyway. Whew!
Now, as the responses begin to roll in, I can honestly say I have never felt more blessed in my entire life (besides maybe the wedding day, which was overwhelmingly awesome as well). And it has very little to do with the financial aspect. It is really all about the sense of community I am experiencing. The words of encouragement have filled my heart so much more than the money ever could. In football they call the crowd the "twelfth man" because the cheering and applause of the crowd can be so distracting for the opposing team that it thwarts their attempts to score. If you are reading this blog, then you're on my cheer squad. Thank you for being my twelfth man! Our egos will tell us that we shouldn't attempt anything that we can't conquer on our own. Our pride will keep us from trying when we think we might fail. But I don't believe that we were made to go it alone; people were built to be in community with other people.
It is with this renewed spirit of appreciation for community that I have decided to spend time reading the book of Acts to prepare my heart for this service trip. In the first chapter of Acts, we are told about the apostles' duty to replace Judas Iscariot. It seems that even they needed the help of a twelfth man to accomplish everything that God had set before them. We also see that there were two candidates for this position, and that ultimately it was prayer and a roll of the dice that determined who was chosen. This got me thinking about how it must have felt to be in such a situation. What emotions were Joseph and Matthias experiencing? Fear, doubt or anxiety? Encouragement, conviction, obligation? This was not a leadership position that brought with it riches and glory; it brought constant persecution and ultimately, tradition tells us, death. Yet God knew the hearts of those two men and chose Matthias to face the challenge. What perspective this gives to the daily challenges we face. My prayers for you will be that you have the strength and spirit to take on every challenge God calls you to with grace and humility. Please pray the same for me as well.
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